a blank page in a journal

Blog Redux

A long time ago, when the Internet was young, I started a blog.

I used to write very random thoughts, almost like a journal, and it was pleasing to me and I liked the response I got from my audience.

It started to get attention and traffic.

While I loved how much traffic I was getting, I missed the feeling of shouting into the darkness… Of creating posts that were meant for me, not an audience.

And I started to feel self conscious about my posts and what I wrote.

And because of that, it started to feel less free and less fun.

My solution to this was to start a new blog, with no traffic.

And I gained that same wonderful feeling of full creative expression through writing.

Until THAT blog started to get attention, and I didn’t enjoy it anymore.

I had Adsense on that blog and I started to write my blog topics to the posts I thought would make me more ad revenue.

It felt contrived and, again, no longer fun, so I abandoned it.

I have to say that this has continued on and on. I love to write but as time has gone on and the Internet has become more competitive and polished…

… As apps emerged that allowed people to do things with one click that I took years to learn and that were quite laborious…

… As more and more “experts” emerged that said a blog post must be this and that to be optimized for Google and blah, blah, blah, blah…

… It all started to feel heavy and uncomfortable.

So I haven’t written in a very long time.

Add to that the fact that I have seven blogs that I love that I have abandoned because I felt it had to be more and more “right” rather than continue to be an expression of who I am or the business I created, and I really had no idea what to do next that would be both pleasurable to me and allow me to focus on one topic (or “niche” as the experts like to say).

But the thing is that I am not one “niche”. I do not fit into that model.

For a while I tried to show that on this website, making my tagline, “Jack of all trades and master of many,” but I got the sense that that frustrated visitors because they want to be able to assess my Internet presence in 1 second and pop me into a niche or job profession.

Well that doesn’t work for me.

But when I realized that, I decided that the most prominent thing I was was a movie director. It is what I love doing the most.

But that felt so stifling. What if I felt like blogging about the photography that I do, or my garden, or my travels, or my dog?

The “experts” would say that I should create another blog with a new niche if that is the case and I feel strongly about that niche.

But I don’t…

I’m just looking to enjoy blogging again.

A Few Months Ago

A few months ago I read the book Refuse to Choose by Barbara Sher.

It talks about people who are “scanners”, who love all sorts of activities and get really deep into them, sometimes to the point of expertise, and yet feel compelled to move onto another topic.

Or they juggle multiple topics/niches all at once, which feels natural to the scanner but also overwhelming at times.

I felt that this book defined me perfectly.

More importantly, it was the first time I felt it was ok to love lots of life and things that I do in life.

It gave me permission to fantasize about a life where I spent my time and my life’s work working with dolphins, for example, and maybe spending several days researching the possibility of creating that, and than realizing that what I’d really love to do is start a tour company that drives people across the country, stopping and staying at permaculture intentional communities along the way, so that my clients could enjoy and learn from these communities and also enjoy great natural atmostpheres and healthy food and positive hosts along the way.

And then the following week it would be somehting different.

And while that may look like a problem to some people (read Refuse to Choose to see why it is not), it led me to realize that that is who I am, and my joy comes from the creativity of coming up with these possibilities that could becoming reality, but not necessarily from the building of that reality.

And if I don’t allow my prolific ideas to come to me I feel awful. Really.

Luckily, there were tools in the book that assist with the ideas coming to me in a naturally speedy way and getting them in a somewhat concrete form so that it is fulfilling and easy to let go of my attachment to them because they ahve been recorded and I can always come back to them later if I feel so inspired.

But that didn’t solve the issue of these multitude of dead blogs that I have.

I want to do each one, but I also can’t seem to bring myself to jump on to any one of them.

Until Now.

This Post Is For Me

This morning I decided I would just write a blog post.

It would be stream of consciousness.

This is that post.

I thought it was going to be two or three paragraphs.

But it really is exactly what I needed to write right now.

And I decided it was ok if my favorite blogging experts would think this post was “wrong” or that it is terrible that I didn’t pick a keyword or make social media graphics or even have a topic that serves my audience.

The truth is that I seem to do best with blogging when I drop all of that stuff.

And, actually, my audience seems to find me when I am just writing my thoughts.

And in terms of “useful” content, many times a stream of consciousness post with no intent turns out to be very useful and instructional.

And so I have decided that I am going to attempt to write a bit every day on this blog.

Most of my posts are probably not going to be this long.

Some of my posts may be one sentence.

There will be no rules. I am not giving myself any rules. I am not optimizing.

If You Must…

When I walk my dog in the morning, it is like a meditation.

I start off with little thought and then begin to think of the things I am grateful for.

Eventually, my mind starts to perseverate on a topic that becomes a deep dive of thought into that topic.

Today the thought landed me at the thought that I really am a lifestyle blogger.

I definitely have my favorite topics but really I can take off on any topic if I’m feeling it.

And I do feel my musings are interesting and can be interesting to other people.

And so, if you must define me and pop me in a niche, I suppose it would be lifestyle blogger.

But don’t make me let go of the directing. That is just one side of the multi-sided dice that is my life, fully encapsulated in the concept of lifestyle blogger.

Oh, and I have been out of the blogging and vlogging game for so long that I pretty much have no following, and that is ok.

That allows this post, and the daily posts to follow this month, to be pretty much anonymous.

Until it is not.

Hopefully this time I will stick to this website, though, and continue posting here, resisting the urge to censor myself.

And if I feel the urge to squelch my creativity on this blog, it is comfort to know that I can always turn on my privacy to not share the post.

So that may happen, too, this month.

Thank you for reading my ramblings.

~ L ~

PS: Yes, I know I didn’t proofread. I will probably be better about this in the future but for now I just want to spit these posts out and optimize my pleasure and fluidity in the process.

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